As humans, we often find that we are conflicted within. We may have been taught that certain things are right or wrong, but, when confronted with them in everyday life, we find that the answers aren’t always so cut and dry. We find that our experience or our feelings differ from what we have always believed or have been taught to believe. This causes inner conflict, which often leads to distress, unhappiness, and lack of fulfillment. These feelings persist until we can find a way to resolve these conflicting thoughts and emotions so that they align, which is also known as finding congruence. When talking about sexual identity, these conflicts usually occur between the individual’s beliefs/values and their behaviors/identity (Yarhouse, 2010). Personal congruence can be difficult to reach, especially for individuals from religious backgrounds. So, how do individuals who are conflicted about their sexual identity find personal congruence?
Because congruence is essentially living in a manner consistent with your beliefs and values, it is important for individuals to determine what their beliefs and values are and where they came from. Oftentimes, beliefs and values are not our own, and this can make it frustrating to align our behaviors and identity with something that we are not sure is true. Therefore, it is important for individuals to determine what their personal beliefs and values are. For some, this will lead them into agreement with their previously held beliefs. These individuals often move their behavior and identity into congruence with their beliefs and values and find their identity in their beliefs and values (e.g. a Christian who experiences same-sex attraction). For others, this will lead them to reject their previously held beliefs and values. In this situation, beliefs and values are moved into congruence with behavior and identity (e.g. label as gay or lesbian). Others may choose to integrate their beliefs with a gay identity (e.g. label as a gay Christian) and find congruence this way. As you can see, it is important to identify your beliefs and values and make sure they are your own. Attempting to find personal congruence with someone else’s beliefs and values is frustrating and really isn’t “personal” congruence. Regardless of the direction of your congruence, it is important to continue to evaluate your beliefs and values, as well as behaviors and identity, in order to ensure and facilitate continued personal congruence.
When we refer to the “three tier distinction,” we are talking about a distinction between same-sex attraction, a homosexual orientation, and a gay identity. Same sex attraction refers to experiences of physical and emotional attraction to a person of the same sex. It does not define a person. In fact, it is one of the most descriptive ways to talk about a person’s experiences. Homosexual orientation describes the persistence of attraction to the same sex. When a person speaks of having a homosexual orientation, they are again not necessarily defining themselves as a person, but providing information about their same-sex sexuality as an enduring pattern of attraction. When we think about the word “gay” as an identity, we often refer to a person who adopts the word “gay” as who they are (rather than how they are). We recognize that there is a new generation of Christians who use gay more as an adjective to describe their sexual orientation, for example, a traditionally believing Christian who has a homosexual orientation might say, “I am a celibate gay Christian.” Others, however, use gay to designate who they are (as identity) and others often assume through that identity label that the person views same-sex relationships as morally permissible.
The three tier distinction provides an alternative route to how one thinks about their identity and it can be useful to some people at certain points in their identity development. The three-tier distinction would allow a person who experiences same sex attraction or a homosexual orientation to describe what they experience/feel without making a statement about their identity. Identity is a label that a person can choose for themselves, and different people have made different decisions about identity labels and their meaning. For example, some Christians have preferred to form their identity in Christ rather than referencing their same-sex sexuality. Others do both in referring to themselves as either a “gay Christian” or a “celibate gay Christian.”
The three tier distinction should not be used to set an expectation that another person use descriptive language over an identity label. Rather, it is intended as a pastoral or counseling resource for those who find it helpful as they navigate sexual identity questions and concerns.
“Coming out” for LGBT youths and young adults is a significant milestone event in their sexual identity development. A small but significant collection of research suggests that the families of sexual minorities go through a “coming out” process of their own (Beeler & DiProva, 1999; Saltzburg, 2004). Parents must learn to navigate new aspects of their identity within their families, communities, and culture (Beeler & Diprova, 1999). Initial feelings of grief and loss, sadness, as well as fear of “losing” one’s child, are common reactions to the discovery that a son or daughter is gay (Beeler & DiPova, 1999; Saltzburg, 2004; Freedman, 2008). Many parents experience cognitive and emotional dissonance; that is, internal conflict between negative or uncomfortable feelings about homosexuality, and unconditional love for their child (Saltzburg, 2004). This dissonance, though not unusual, makes positive adjustment and coping more difficult (Saltzburg, 2004).
What resources and coping skills have religious parents found helpful for moving past initial feelings of loss, fear, and cognitive dissonance? A study by Freedman (2008) interviewed and compared parents from religious-oriented and gay-affirming support groups. Religious parents have reported trust and reliance on God as their foundation for coping (Freedman, 2008). While parents in gay affirmative support groups emphasized pride and advocacy, parents in religious-oriented support groups emphasized acceptance of the child, but not necessarily same-sex sexual behavior. However, the majority of parents in both types of support groups, regardless of beliefs regarding homosexuality, stressed the importance of remaining involved in their child’s lives (Freedman, 2008). In fact, most parents described resolving conflict since initial reactions to disclosure, and current positive relationships with their child. Furthermore, both groups of parents found that becoming more educated about sexual identity and getting to know other sexual minorities and their parents were vital means of positive coping and adjustment. Support groups focused on “acceptance of what you cannot change,” and honest, non-condemning dialogue were positive resources for parents. Freedman’s study may speak into the experience of religious parents who seek ways to accept and grow in their relationship with their child, while navigating their understanding of homosexuality in light of their faith.
Beeler, J., & DiProva, V. (1999). Family adjustment following disclosure of homosexuality by a member: Themes discerned in narrative accounts. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 25, 443-459.
Freedman, L. (2008). Accepting the unacceptable: Relgious parents and adult gay and
lesbian children. Families in society: The journal of contemporary social services, 89(2), 237-244.
Saltzburg, S. (2004). Learning that an adolescent child is gay or lesbian: The parent
experience. Social Work, 49(1), 109-118.
Often times in society, when an individual experiences same-sex attraction, it is assumed that they must “be true to themselves” and identify with a label, such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc. Some people might feel pressured to claim a sexual identity label in order to define “who they really are.” However, this message gives the impression that sexual identity “trumps” other aspects of that person. Some individuals have found it helpful to consider other characteristics of themselves in addition to or instead of their sexual identity. For example, I might describe myself as a musician, a teacher, a country girl, a student, and an overly zealous lover of the color green. I am considering multiple facets of who “Rebecca” is. It is up to me to decide what “weight” each aspects carries. Perhaps my country roots carry more weight than other aspects, so I assign it a higher value. If writing it down on paper for visual purposes, I might make a pie chart and assign one larger chunk (e.g. 35%) to being a country girl. My overly zealous love for green might make up a small fraction of who I am, so I might give that a smaller piece of the pie, such as 2%. I would do this for each characteristic I ascribe to myself. In doing so, I am weighting aspects of my identity.
In a similar way, someone who is attracted to the same sex might choose to ascribe that aspect of themselves as a large percentage (e.g. “I am bisexual, 45%), a small percentage (e.g. “I am attracted to the same sex, 5%), or no percentage at all. Perhaps being a sister, an uncle, a mechanic, a beautician, etc. is more pervasive than their same-sex attraction or sexual identity label. Still others might find that their sexual identity is a larger part of their overall identity, carrying more weight than other characteristics. It is entirely up to the individual as to how they choose to describe themselves. Societal norms do not have to dictate a person’s overall identity. Instead, it is up to the individual to find the best fit for them and to embrace all of who they are.
Rebecca L. Thomas, M.A.
Stories are being written constantly. Each person’s life, including yours, is uniquely shaped – a narrative in formation. It can be largely beneficial to reflect on our own story – What is being written? Who plays a part in the writing and editing of your story? Is there anyone or anything that prevents you from sharing the most authentic version of your story? Storying Your Identity takes a person through an engaging and interactive process of exploring these questions in the arena of sexual identity. This workbook is intended specifically for those who experience a conflict between their religious and sexual identities, providing a space for reflection and navigation. As individuals walk through various exercises, from identifying their dominant narrative to interviewing and outlining the main “character” of concern to them, they are encouraged to consider the meaning of each chapter of their life and how they envision their future chapters being written. Through this workbook the power of story meets the often-uncharted territory of sexual identity to empower the individual to understand their identity and make decisions that can instill greater meaning in life.